My Heart's Desires...
During my do over day when my BFF came over for a playdate for our kids I mentioned to her that I was in a place in my life that was maybe stagnant, but not really, but maybe lazy? What I meant was that I wasn't currently pursuing any jobs or schooling. That I was home just doing my thing with my kids and then as I was telling her I thought, "This is the first time I realized that I am a-okay with where I am in my life. I am exactly where I want to be. The grass is not greener somewhere else." I also said to her that I wasn't worried that I wasn't pursuing anything right now, but maybe I should be worried that I wasn't worried. Because every now and again I think that maybe I should be doing something more, because the kids won't be this age forever and don't I need to look towards the future. But again, if I am so busy looking towards the future (which I have a habit of doing), I'm going to miss out on some of the awesome things my kids are doing right now.
So does that make me stagnant? Does it make me lazy? 'cause, I'm happy being right here. I do have one massive project that I'm working on, that I'll share sometime. But fortunately, the project is totally on my time and I realize it's going to take me at least a year, if not longer to get it to where I'm happy enough with it to show it to someone else. So, awesome right? No pressure for that!And isn't this what I have been searching for? To find something that I love doing and doing it right now? I have wondered if I'd make a good Mama. I've had my doubts. I'm not super creative, artsy, or crafty for that matter. I don't have brilliant ideas of fun things to do with the kids, but we get by. We are busy with playdates, swim lessons, popsicles in the backyard, reading a ton of books and making multiple trips to the library, taking multiple trips for ice cream, school (when it's in session), dance lessons, soccer, spanish class, t-ball, church, volunteer activities, camp, seeing our 16 (almost 17!) cousins, and spending time together.
I'm just a mama trying to be there for her kids. I hope I'm doing a good job with it. There are times when I have my doubts, like when I'm out of patience or feel like I've dropped the ball. However, I think that this is where God has always wanted me to be and has been waiting for me to accept it. It's taken me a while, but I'm embracing it. I'm loving it and I'm enjoying these precious years that have been an amazing gift. I'm sure it will be too soon where I'm needed elsewhere and will have to pursue a job or more education, but in the meantime, I think I'll enjoy my grass. It's plenty green over here.
May He grant you your heart's desires and fulfill all of your plans Psalm 20:4
P.S. I reflected on this same theme just after the birth of our third child. Check it out here: looks like I'm finally comfortable in my role.