I'm imperfect. Oh, boy do I know that. It's only by God's grace that I am saved. Today was one of those, "you've got to be kidding me," days. I felt inept, overwhelmed, and completely done. I wanted to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers and this was all before 9am.
It started off with my regular Friday morning 5:30am spin class. I've been so tired this week that it was a struggle to leave the comfort of my warm bed to make it to class. But I did, and as always, I was happy to make it to class. I came home and showered, only to come out to find a crying Buggy who was sad that she missed Daddy before he went to work. But she managed to tuck away the tears with the prospect of helping Mama feed the cats and helping Mama make quiches for MOPS this morning.
Buggy was a huge help, but I was already running way behind and woke up Boogie later that was good for either of us. He woke up grumpy and started in on Buggy telling her to be quiet and to leave him alone. For the record, all she did was walk into their bedroom. sigh.
We're already running late, but all the kids are dressed and eating really, really slowly. Argh! I get them upstairs to brush their teeth, take out the quiches and then I hear Boogie and Mr. Bananas fussing in the front hall. And then I hear Boogie say something that makes me see red and I lost it. He was calling Bananas a "no good baby." That was it. I lost my cool completely. I screamed, I yelled, I gesticulated, and then I broke into tears of frustration. I don't know if it's first grade or if it's growing up, or what it is, but Boogie has resorted to calling his sibling names. Constantly. Every day. Repeatedly. It drives me up the wall. I won't stand for it, and I've tried various ways to get him to stop. But he goes back to it over and over again. However, I think my tears of frustration finally got to him. I told him it hurt my heart that he was so mean to his siblings. The thing is, Boogie is really one of the sweetest kids I know...unless it comes to his siblings and then he changes and he can be really quite mean. My yelling, his consequences, and my reasoning has seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.
Boogie hugged me and promised not to do it again, he also had tears in his eyes. I think when he realized that I was being hurt by his words, he realized he was way out of line. I wish it didn't have to go to that for him to change his ways. And yes, I realize, this is not the end of it. But I hope we have turned a corner.
As we were getting ready to walk out the door, the baby fell and smashed his face on the wood floor and gushed blood out of his nose, bit his lip, and bit somewhere in his mouth. We had a lot of blood, 10 minutes before Boogie had to be in school. The big kids stepped up while I held Bananas and tried to comfort him. Boogie grabbed paper towels to staunch the blood and went bag to grab wet paper towels. Buggy followed his lead and did the same thing. Both kids kissed their baby brother and tried to make him feel better. I felt utterly helpless. I'm looking at my watch and worried that Boogie would be late to school, but also unable to move because the baby was so shaken up by his fall and bleeding profusely. We were able to stop most of the blood and I was really proud of Boogie who took the bloody paper towels from his sister and threw them away. Boogie hates anything "gross" and would not have touched them under normal circumstances, but he really stepped up. With minutes to spare, I threw all 3 kids in the car and made it to school with one minute to spare. Boogie was able to make it to class on time and even though he was a bit distraught and overwhelmed when he got out of the car, he did just fine the rest of the day. I emailed his teacher just to check on him and she was wonderful and emailed back.
I made it to MOPS and I made it to Buggy's preschool conference. Her conference took less than 2 minutes. I spent the rest of my time in the conference being encouraged by her teacher. It was as if she had been sitting in my front hall watching my morning unfold and said all the right words to help me forgive myself and my Boogie monster. She was talking about how we plant the seeds of faith in our children and she went on to say that Buggy is a delight at school. But having 5 children herself she knew there must be some squabbles between the kids and then I lost it. I started crying and confessed my horrible morning to her and asked if she had actually been there because everything she was saying resonated with me. She quoted encouraging scripture and prayed with me. One of the reasons I so love the preschool that our children have attended/attend/and will attend.
The rest of the morning went by much more smoothly and I managed to squeeze in nap to reset the day. I spoke to Boogie when he came home from school and we hugged each other and forgave each other. I wanted to impart to him that I loved him dearly, that I did not like his attitude toward his siblings, but I love him more than he could ever imagined. I also asked him to be a good role model and to be a young man of God. We spent the rest of the day giving each other impromptu hugs and kisses.
Bananas is fine. His nose and lips are a little tender, but he's fine. Our next door neighbor is a nurse and she checked him out for me this morning and gave me signs to look for if we needed to go to the doctor. But he's fine. Praise God.
Boogie is fine too. He learned some boundaries today and realized he needed to change his attitude and his heart.
I'm better and look forward to hanging out with Hubby tonight watching a DVD and letting go of the day. I look forward to tomorrow and the weekend. I look forward to the promise of a new day.
I'm still kicking myself for losing my cool. I thought about Boogie all day long while he was at school. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than run up to his school, pull him out of his class and hug him, hug him, hug him and to start our day over again.
I'm not a perfect parent. I try my hardest. There are days that I hit it out of the park and it couldn't be happier and then, there are days like today and I wonder why God thought I would be the right parent for these precious kids. Even with my failures, I feel blessed. I am grateful for a new day and for the chance to to try it all over again. Hopefully it will better tomorrow. Otherwise I'm hiding under the covers ;)
Matthew 11:28-30 “… Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-forgiveness-20-encouraging-scripture-quotes/#ixzz2BmVUZpuG